Come in, come in! Here: let me take your coats. Champagne? Delicious canapés? Do come through to the conservatory and make yourself at home.
Just a few ground-rules.
- Please keep your fingers off my Macbook and do not open my Twitter account and pretend to be me.
- If you wish to look at any books on my shelves, wipe the chocolate off your fingers first.
- Do not go searching for the keys to my cellar - you won't find them, anyway. I'm used to hiding them from certain "friends". Gillian Philip, I'm frowning at you.
- Please put your gifts on the hall table, or beneath it if your gift is particularly huge. Thank you in advance especially for the sparkly wine, chocolate (especially from Coco of Bruntsfield, or, at a pinch, Hotel Chocolat) and Landlord or Tops'l cake from Botham's of Whitby.
- If you see Jane Smith, don't tell her my new address.
In your comment, just say anything appropriately partyish. Tell me what you like about my home. Admire my etchings. Tell me if you see Jane Smith nosing around.
And - here's the nifty bit - you can even tell us any good news you've just received. Yes, a licence to boast, but nicely and BRIEFLY. (NB NO links to Amazon, please.) Or tell us about your own blog. And if you do it politely, elegantly and sparklily, they might even come and visit you when I kick them out. But you have to make it sound interesting, otherwise they won't. You're mostly writers so if you can't make your blog sound interesting, you can't... Oh, hang on: sorry, it's meant to be a party, isn't it? *stops haranguing and resumes smiling*
Meanwhile, let me refill your glass. The champagne is on me and I have immense amounts of it hidden in secret places, which only my butler knows.
Let the party commence and welcome to Crabbit At Home!